001Confirmed
The Pillow Incident
June 2021
The candidate destroyed a decorative pillow belonging to a constituent (the sofa).
Milo showed remorse for approximately four minutes, then moved on. As any qualified leader would.
Research division · File no. 0001
The opposition files
Our opponents hired researchers. The researchers found things. We are publishing all of it, because a very good boy has nothing to hide and one or two things to explain.
Declassified · Full release0
Felonies (verified)
We looked. Twice. The researchers asked for more time; we said no.
1
Pillow destroyed
2021. The sofa survived. The pillow did not. The party moved on.
1
Cucumber incidents
He recovered within seconds. Not everyone in this race can say that.
Declassified
The case files
Six open investigations. Zero cooperation issues. Milo sat for every interview — usually in the kitchen.
002Confirmed
Operation Cucumber
August 2023
The candidate was startled by a cucumber that had been placed silently behind him during dinner preparations.
The campaign maintains the cucumber was sneaky and acted alone.
003Disputed
The Squirrel Meetings
Ongoing
The candidate has been observed in repeated early-morning negotiations with members of the squirrel community.
Milo describes the meetings as hostile. No resolutions were reached. No squirrels were harmed.
004Disputed
The Mailman Affair
Various dates
Witnesses report sustained, vocal objections to a uniformed postal worker.
The campaign notes the mailman was on Milo's lawn without authorization. Milo was defending the district.
005Unresolved
Vacuumgate
2022
Audio evidence exists of the candidate's strong objection to a household appliance.
The tape is real. So is the vacuum. Neither side is backing down.
006Pending
The Neighbor's Cat
Ongoing
The candidate is engaged in tense, ongoing negotiations with a rival across the fence.
Neither side will blink first. The campaign believes this is what strength looks like.
The campaign responds
The findings are damning
"Milo has made mistakes. He owns them, and has learned how to change those behaviors."
"He was asleep for most of the alleged incidents. He was also asleep for the rest."
The verdict
Read the file. Know the dog. Vote anyway.
Every word of this research is accurate. Every investigator would confirm it, if they could get him to sit still. He remains the best candidate on the ballot, and he will not be commenting further.